I asked myself, “How did He leave?”

“He ascended,” I answered myself.

In continuing the discussion I was having with myself, I asked, “How does a person return by ascending?”

The answer came in a flash. If we live in Him and He lives in us, then He can “ascend” up through us, through our stomachs, through our hearts, through our minds as He is allowed a dwelling place in each of us to a greater and greater degree. How exciting! I wanted to share this with the class. I could feel my blood pumping and I was anxious to share this.

Deep in the recess of my heart, though, God observed that I had a desire to glorify Victor, not Him. In retrospect, I know this to be the case. I would share some new and profound knowledge, given to me by God, and I would be thought of as special. “What fun,” I thought, not realizing how much God wants me to glorify Him, only.

At the class that night, I got my notes ready, and waited to have my turn to share my wonderful insight. I had already started prayerfully flipping a coin before God to get God's will and felt a reluctant pull to ask Him if I should share this information. I was determined that I was going to share this stuff. So why ask?

Still, I wanted to prayerfully flip a coin before God so I pulled a quarter out of my pocket and asked if I should share. Though well tossed, I missed the catch and watched the coin roll under the chair in front of me. (By the way, at this time, I always counted it even if it fell to the floor.) I picked up the quarter which had landed tails (No) and slipped it into my pocket, totally discouraged by His answer.

When my turn rolled around, I shared the insight, just as I had promised myself I would. I ignored God speaking to me through the coin toss. As I spoke, the Bible teacher conducting the class felt guided to lay a gentle hand of discouragement on me, beckoning me to think in accordance with traditional views of this passage. I, not desiring to create a scene, but to remain teachable, quietly humbled down. I knew God was right with what He had said. This was not the time, nor the place to present this information.

I still think Christ wants to ascend through us, but I also believe He will physically return in the traditional understanding as well. Later I wrote about it in another book I was writing, and it may be helpful to the Body of Christ some there, but this particular time, I was being totally rebellious, as I trudged on, doing my own will at this Bible study.

It was no accident that I dropped the coin. God was saying that He would say No but that I would drop the ball, so to speak, and do what I willed, not what He willed.

Nature of God: I remember specifically feeling “high,” as if I were on some sort of drug, when God gave me that inspiration, which I so much wanted to share with the class. I say, now, that I don't care for that feeling. It seems to involve the flesh. It was as if God kind of gave me a little insight, but I made a drug out of it so I could “get high” and then “keep high” by telling the class. I would not let God get a word in edgewise. When I asked for His guidance, as to whether to share this insight, my mind was already made up. I was going to do it. There was no way I wasn't going to share this!

God wanted me to come down off my “high horse” and join Him on the firm foundation of His love, His joy, and all His fruit of the spirit. It wasn't about my “highness” or any feelings I might be having. It is never about that. It is always about His will, not mine.

I learned, that time, that the prayerfully flipping of a coin often presents more information than one might think. Dropping the coin, I was informed by the Holy Spirit, in this case, meant that I would insist on doing things my way, despite the answer God gave me. He cared for me enough to let me know His entire agenda, with regard to my heart. He does not want me to have an anxious, drug-like high with Him. He wants me to follow, calmly, joyfully and with complete confidence, His will. My reward comes from Him when I do that. It should not have to come from man (or the class, in this case).

Now, if He wants me to be still instead of clanging like a noisy gong, I am quite content to do that. I try to have no investments in my own will. I try to only be interested in following His.

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